Ever since I started this project I looked forward to writing about it at the end but now it's finished and I am tired and emotional, I am finding it so hard. I first sat down to write last week and I was suddenly overcome with so much shame. Shame over letting myself get to that stage and for letting it go on for so long.
I first became aware of how my surroundings impact my mental wellbeing when I was in Australia for two months at the beginning of 2018. I was severely depressed and somehow made it there with a toddler and a 7 month old. We stayed in a small modern apartment in Melbourne where we only had what we needed, nothing more and I was so shocked at how suddenly I was able to focus on my family and getting myself better without the distractions of other things to manage.
We came home and I went on a major declutter. At that time, our house was full, every cupboard filled with sentimental items, spares and everything else you can think of. All the baby stuff - there was so much stuff I accumulated while depressed. I believed it would keep the kiddies occupied so I could get a break that I so desperately needed. It was all in the loft, stuff everywhere.
For the next 7 years I repeated a pattern of major declutters only to then unconsciously accumulate it again. It was my way of coping with depression. It allowed me to escape my feelings or lack of and everything else. I felt like I was achieving something when I was clearing up. It made me feel good temporarily and there was a hidden promise that I would get better once my house was clear.
In February, I went to Slovakia to visit my family. Usually I stay with my mum but my sister was there so I rented a small house. Again I was reminded of how amazing I feel when I live minimally. I didn't get it though, I felt like I didn't have much stuff at home anymore so why did I feel so rubbish at home and so overwhelmed?
So I came home and decided to get rid of most things. Like I was truly done done with this pattern and this part of my life and I needed to be radical.
I put everything I didn't need into one room which was super overwhelming but since other parts of the house were suddenly so lovely and clear, it was ok. Then I started going through it all.
I got rid of at least 75% of my personal possessions. I had a huge essential oils collection, too many crystals, all my sewing supplies, punch needle supplies, all my huge artworks I had punched, bookcases, books, majority of my plants including a huge heart shaped philodendron, clothes, jewellery, my 100kg Himalayan salt lamp, my wedding dress! I am even closing down my business.
I went though everything and I was careful not to throw any good items away but found a good home for each and every one of them. It was a monumental effort. But it was important to me that I had transformed the energy behind each of these things I accumulated.
You see each item held a certain depressive energy in it because I acquired it whilst unwell. Or I punched those artworks when I wasn't well. This is why I felt so ill whilst at home, even though I was after a different life for myself, these items were radiating this negative energy at me. No amount of sage was able to break through that haha. But the more I got rid of, the lighter my world felt and I was suddenly waking up excited for life again.
Now you might think I am overthinking this, most people I tell think that. But this was a generational pattern I was breaking and it felt so huge. My family have hoarded items, not because they wanted to be hoarders but because they were labourers and everything they kept would have eventually come in handy. They didn't have much and they worked with their hands so 'this little piece of scrap metal would have come in useful at some point'. And so getting rid of anything felt terrible, like I didn't appreciate what I had and what if I need it someday. But honestly in the last 7 years of declutterring on and off, there was not one item I regretted getting rid of. But also, taking care of items took us away from the most important things like spending good quality time with our families because we were always so busy tidying up.
Now all the things are gone and I have people messaging me thanking me for what I gave them and how happy they are to have those things, I feel ashamed for not using those items and hoarding them for so long. For instance, when I was still sewing 15 years ago, my mum gave me about 100 different spools of thread (my family worked in factories and sometimes got end of line stuff). I kept these because I felt so bad to let them go and maybe I would sew again one day and I shouldn't give them away, they were 'good quality' and from Slovak factories, etc etc. I gave them to my neighbour in the end, her sister is very sick and she said her machine embroidery is her sanctuary and her escape whilst she is supporting her. Do you see it? It was the right thing to let go of that, I didn't need it and it made all the difference to her.
When I was going through this, I was feeling so anxious over what happens when I finish. Because who am I even if I am not forever moving items around the house and decluttering? But I know this chapter of my life is truly over and I am ready to embrace the new.
Every item in our house requires your attention. Whether you need to tidy it up, get rid of it, fix it, move it, I am not wearing it, water the plants, whatever it is, it takes away from your focus and other things you might want to do instead, like learn something new or spend more time with those you love. We live in an overwhelming world and are constantly bombarded with items. If you own something that is constantly making you annoyed or angry or sad or anything other than happy or you find it useful, get rid of it. And you don't need to go to the same extreme I did, just let go off the things that are no longer serving you. I promise you you will feel so much better.
Whenever something happens to us that we don't desire we think we are unlucky or it's unfair, why me, that type of thing. But everything that happens is here to teach us and show us where we have work to do.
I will give you an example of this that I have observed in my own life in the last year. Each Autumn, I'd be hit by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), I'd start using my SAD lamp, SAD alarm clock and take Vit D and once I adjusted after about 2-3 weeks I could stop all that and I'd be fine for the rest of the Autumn/ Winter season.
But in the last year alone, I have had three separate SAD flare ups. First one was last January after I came back home from a month in Australia, second one was last Autumn and last one I have just 'come back from'. The first one I should have expected after a big dose of Australian sun, second one I expected but it was still very hard but this one just now was a shock. I know why I got it though, I stopped taking my Vit D just before Christmas as I thought I was fine now.
Now all three of them can be explain however in previous years I would only get one a year despite stopping Vit D tablets after adjusting and also spending two other Christmas' in Australia (2017 and 2018). So why was this last year so different? What was the other reason for getting SAD three times?
Each time I get SAD, it feels like a depression to me. I had suffered from a depression for many years so I know exactly how debilitating it is.
I have done a lot of healing these past few years to dig myself out of my rock bottom. And each time I got SAD, I'd be in complete despair thinking my depression was back and that I was inherently broken. Because how could I possibly be still so unwell so regularly despite ALL the healing I had done?
But there was a reason. Each time I realised I had SAD and not a depression I would be so relieved. I would take my Vit D right away and that alone would make all the symptoms go away almost instantly and life would feel so bright again.
And here lies the lesson the universe was sending me.
It was showing me that I need to stop thinking and believing I am inherently broken. Because I am not, I just need to take my Vit D throughout the whole Autumn/ Winter because we live under perpetual grey cloud here in the UK.
We need to pay attention to not only our physical bodies but our emotions too and the lessons that we are presented with each time a sickness happens FOR US. Do you see that me getting SAD three times in the last year was a blessing overall?
A week ago, when the fires in LA started, I got so consumed by it, it was the tipping point for me to finally do something about my Instagram/ phone addiction.
On Friday night I got to such a state, I was lying in bed unable to shut down the Instagram app and go to sleep. I was manically scrolling through post after post, I shut the app down several times only to reopen it again unconsciously and before I knew it more time passed. I couldn't let go, it was like a drug and I hadn't experienced a pull that strong before. I would imagine the energy surrounding the fires was so low vibrational, I got sucked into it and the dark forces got me. It was almost 1am when I finally put it down and went to sleep. But not before I deleted the app and removed a lot of people I was following.
Prior to this, I had started to read a new book called Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I was hoping it would help me with my Instagram addiction, I felt like I was broken because I couldn't seem to break the habit. We are talking at least 7/8 years of me trying on and off. I kept thinking: "Why can't I control myself when others can?" I really felt there was something wrong with me. But the first epiphany I had was when he says in the book that our issues with focus and attention had started way before social media. This alone was huge, because it suggests there is so much more to this than the invention of phones and apps and I wasn't alone in feeling like this.
I also realised other things. I often say how overwhelmed I feel in every way. No matter how much I simplify my life, I am still struggling. Simple invitations out often tip me over the edge, I cannot manage. I didn't understand though, when I looked at how much other people can supposedly handle versus me, I again felt like there was something wrong with me. But I had an aha moment and realised, through the tipping point of the LA fires, that I fill my head with so much information and despite having simplified my life everywhere else, I simply have zero mental capacity for anything else. I cannot go out with friends, because in my head I am dealing with major disasters, catastrophising and I am being constantly reminded I am inadequate and not doing enough.
When I was going through my awakening, I really needed to follow people whilst I was learning about what was happening to me and to not feel alone. But now, no matter how good the people are that I follow, how inspirational, they are all distracting me from hearing my own intuition and wisdom.
So I am limiting who I follow and how often I check it. I deleted the app, as I said and now only check Instagram in the browser. Because it's so clunky, I don't spend hours on it and exit quickly. I have been here before, implemented this change but this time, I know I was consuming content in order to distract myself from having to deal with my reality. But this time, I am ready to face myself and make meaningful changes to my life because I am sick of repeating the same stories and pattern and feeling miserable. It's time to face me
I wanted advice on how to frame my punch needle work which I brought with me. Aside from selling punch needles and kits I have wanted to create and sell my own work but the framing bit always put me off. I had read somewhere it would cost between £300-£400 per piece. My work is intricate and takes hours so it always seemed unfeasible. Yesterday I was told it would cost less than £100!!!! What? I was so elated when I left. On the way home I told my friend about the spiders and she stopped in her tracks all freaked out. She hates spiders and is very scared of them. Anyway we continued on and got on with the rest of the afternoon.
At the end of the day, I was lying in my bed reading Rise sister Rise which is a book about the return of the mother and the rising of the feminine. I was laying down on my left side with my left eye touching the pillow near the edge. Suddenly this small spider walks up the side of the pillow practically into my eyeball.
“The spider symbolizes creation and beauty. In several traditions, the spiders symbolizes the Mother and the Divine Feminine. ... Obviously, spiders use extreme patience in order to weave their webs, so the spider can teach you to increase your awareness and focus in life.”
From The power of positivity website
I am soooo guided and soooo on the right track, aren’t I? Creation and beauty (my punch needle pieces) and then the mother and divine feminine (reading the book at the time of the spider walking into my eyeball basically saying, are you seeing this?! Are you paying attention?). We are all exactly where we are meant to be ✨🙏🏻🕷
Ps: Come to think of it I have always been fascinated by the webs, so could a spider be my spirit animal?
I was walking on the street coming back from my counselling today and I thought about my guardian angel being around me. And the name Melissa popped into my head instantly and suddenly in a split second I zoomed in on a single flower lying on the pavement in a puddle. I reached down to pick it up. After a few steps I turned around to see which tree it fell from all the while knowing it wasn't going to be there. And sure enough, all the other trees had different flowers on them
Thank you for the beautiful sign
It's all still so hard and relentless with no end in sight. My body feels ill to me with no warmth to it, like there is chill in it and I can't shake it off. Like I am not aware of having a heart, lungs, hands, legs and stomach for instance; when full should feel like a warm hug but no, my whole body feels like it's just one mass of constant tightness and stress and anger. And my mind? Constantly racing like the drivers in the fast lane on M1. Eager to get to places or maybe escaping something. Just like me only I am standing still when that's happening.
It's crossed my mind that I am grieving. It's anyone's guess how many articles I've read on the subject following my dad's tragic death.
"Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you."
But perhaps it's not only my dad I am grieving. Haven't I also lost part of my mum when that happened? Haven't I lost part of my brother too when he had a head accident himself shortly after our dad past away? Haven't I lost my own identity, freedom and my marriage when I had back to back children and battled with PND both times? Have I mentioned all this happened in three short years?
This life I now live, I don't recognise myself in it. I started off sad but all too soon sadness turned into anger and resentment. Despite that, I have made a lot of progress but for every step forward, there are many steps back. And I am done hurting inside and hurting other with my unhappiness. So how do I lift the heaviness of it all off of me? Can anyone relate?
