A week ago, when the fires in LA started, I got so consumed by it, it was the tipping point for me to finally do something about my Instagram/ phone addiction.
On Friday night I got to such a state, I was lying in bed unable to shut down the Instagram app and go to sleep. I was manically scrolling through post after post, I shut the app down several times only to reopen it again unconsciously and before I knew it more time passed. I couldn't let go, it was like a drug and I hadn't experienced a pull that strong before. I would imagine the energy surrounding the fires was so low vibrational, I got sucked into it and the dark forces got me. It was almost 1am when I finally put it down and went to sleep. But not before I deleted the app and removed a lot of people I was following.
Prior to this, I had started to read a new book called Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I was hoping it would help me with my Instagram addiction, I felt like I was broken because I couldn't seem to break the habit. We are talking at least 7/8 years of me trying on and off. I kept thinking: "Why can't I control myself when others can?" I really felt there was something wrong with me. But the first epiphany I had was when he says in the book that our issues with focus and attention had started way before social media. This alone was huge, because it suggests there is so much more to this than the invention of phones and apps and I wasn't alone in feeling like this.
I also realised other things. I often say how overwhelmed I feel in every way. No matter how much I simplify my life, I am still struggling. Simple invitations out often tip me over the edge, I cannot manage. I didn't understand though, when I looked at how much other people can supposedly handle versus me, I again felt like there was something wrong with me. But I had an aha moment and realised, through the tipping point of the LA fires, that I fill my head with so much information and despite having simplified my life everywhere else, I simply have zero mental capacity for anything else. I cannot go out with friends, because in my head I am dealing with major disasters, catastrophising and I am being constantly reminded I am inadequate and not doing enough.
When I was going through my awakening, I really needed to follow people whilst I was learning about what was happening to me and to not feel alone. But now, no matter how good the people are that I follow, how inspirational, they are all distracting me from hearing my own intuition and wisdom.
So I am limiting who I follow and how often I check it. I deleted the app, as I said and now only check Instagram in the browser. Because it's so clunky, I don't spend hours on it and exit quickly. I have been here before, implemented this change but this time, I know I was consuming content in order to distract myself from having to deal with my reality. But this time, I am ready to face myself and make meaningful changes to my life because I am sick of repeating the same stories and pattern and feeling miserable. It's time to face me
❤
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