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I am normally someone who tries to find meaning in everything, I can see the reason why something is happening to me and what it is trying to teach me, I can see the bigger picture. But right now, all I see is everything I once believed collapsing around me and it makes no sense at all whatsoever.
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I am constantly confronted with what no longer works and what needs to go but I don’t yet know what will come in its place. Right now every aspect of my life is going through a shed of some sort. What worked before is now painfully unsuitable. So I keep shedding - items (always!), beliefs, old ways of working, old ways of communicating and thinking and how I show up in the world. I do like that a bit a lot, I love a good purge but normally I know what I want beyond the purge. This time, there is nothing, silence, a great big scary void.
Though I have gone through a shed many times in the last 12 years, what always carried me through was my spirituality. My beliefs that there is something greater than us, that I am being divinely guided and supported and that I had a big purpose in this life. But even that is getting a shed. It started with my essential oil collection, my crystals, tarot cards, whatever other spiritual items I collected and now I am not even sure I believe in some greater power and that I am guided by some unseen helpers. I feel very disconnected from it all.
Something must have created this universe, my head tells me but my heart does not want to accept it right now. I feel utterly let down by life and whoever is up there that is meant to be watching and helping. I’ve put all the work in, have ‘healed’ so much yet I am still as lost as ever.
I bought into some sort of a premise that if I just heal enough of myself, life will be beautiful, blissful and I will have all the answers. Well right now, I have none. All I know is I need to keep shedding and hopefully at some point it will start making sense again.
