Ever since I started this project I looked forward to writing about it at the end but now it's finished and I am tired and emotional, I am finding it so hard. I first sat down to write last week and I was suddenly overcome with so much shame. Shame over letting myself get to that stage and for letting it go on for so long.
I first became aware of how my surroundings impact my mental wellbeing when I was in Australia for two months at the beginning of 2018. I was severely depressed and somehow made it there with a toddler and a 7 month old. We stayed in a small modern apartment in Melbourne where we only had what we needed, nothing more and I was so shocked at how suddenly I was able to focus on my family and getting myself better without the distractions of other things to manage.
We came home and I went on a major declutter. At that time, our house was full, every cupboard filled with sentimental items, spares and everything else you can think of. All the baby stuff - there was so much stuff I accumulated while depressed. I believed it would keep the kiddies occupied so I could get a break that I so desperately needed. It was all in the loft, stuff everywhere.
For the next 7 years I repeated a pattern of major declutters only to then unconsciously accumulate it again. It was my way of coping with depression. It allowed me to escape my feelings or lack of and everything else. I felt like I was achieving something when I was clearing up. It made me feel good temporarily and there was a hidden promise that I would get better once my house was clear.
In February, I went to Slovakia to visit my family. Usually I stay with my mum but my sister was there so I rented a small house. Again I was reminded of how amazing I feel when I live minimally. I didn't get it though, I felt like I didn't have much stuff at home anymore so why did I feel so rubbish at home and so overwhelmed?
So I came home and decided to get rid of most things. Like I was truly done done with this pattern and this part of my life and I needed to be radical.
I put everything I didn't need into one room which was super overwhelming but since other parts of the house were suddenly so lovely and clear, it was ok. Then I started going through it all.
I got rid of at least 75% of my personal possessions. I had a huge essential oils collection, too many crystals, all my sewing supplies, punch needle supplies, all my huge artworks I had punched, bookcases, books, majority of my plants including a huge heart shaped philodendron, clothes, jewellery, my 100kg Himalayan salt lamp, my wedding dress! I am even closing down my business.
I went though everything and I was careful not to throw any good items away but found a good home for each and every one of them. It was a monumental effort. But it was important to me that I had transformed the energy behind each of these things I accumulated.
You see each item held a certain depressive energy in it because I acquired it whilst unwell. Or I punched those artworks when I wasn't well. This is why I felt so ill whilst at home, even though I was after a different life for myself, these items were radiating this negative energy at me. No amount of sage was able to break through that haha. But the more I got rid of, the lighter my world felt and I was suddenly waking up excited for life again.
Now you might think I am overthinking this, most people I tell think that. But this was a generational pattern I was breaking and it felt so huge. My family have hoarded items, not because they wanted to be hoarders but because they were labourers and everything they kept would have eventually come in handy. They didn't have much and they worked with their hands so 'this little piece of scrap metal would have come in useful at some point'. And so getting rid of anything felt terrible, like I didn't appreciate what I had and what if I need it someday. But honestly in the last 7 years of declutterring on and off, there was not one item I regretted getting rid of. But also, taking care of items took us away from the most important things like spending good quality time with our families because we were always so busy tidying up.
Now all the things are gone and I have people messaging me thanking me for what I gave them and how happy they are to have those things, I feel ashamed for not using those items and hoarding them for so long. For instance, when I was still sewing 15 years ago, my mum gave me about 100 different spools of thread (my family worked in factories and sometimes got end of line stuff). I kept these because I felt so bad to let them go and maybe I would sew again one day and I shouldn't give them away, they were 'good quality' and from Slovak factories, etc etc. I gave them to my neighbour in the end, her sister is very sick and she said her machine embroidery is her sanctuary and her escape whilst she is supporting her. Do you see it? It was the right thing to let go of that, I didn't need it and it made all the difference to her.
When I was going through this, I was feeling so anxious over what happens when I finish. Because who am I even if I am not forever moving items around the house and decluttering? But I know this chapter of my life is truly over and I am ready to embrace the new.
Every item in our house requires your attention. Whether you need to tidy it up, get rid of it, fix it, move it, I am not wearing it, water the plants, whatever it is, it takes away from your focus and other things you might want to do instead, like learn something new or spend more time with those you love. We live in an overwhelming world and are constantly bombarded with items. If you own something that is constantly making you annoyed or angry or sad or anything other than happy or you find it useful, get rid of it. And you don't need to go to the same extreme I did, just let go off the things that are no longer serving you. I promise you you will feel so much better.
