Life, that is. I've gone through so many scenarios these past three years. Reinventing myself on regular basis. Yes, it does keep me entertained and busy but at the end of the day and deep down, it makes little difference.
It's all still so hard and relentless with no end in sight. My body feels ill to me with no warmth to it, like there is chill in it and I can't shake it off. Like I am not aware of having a heart, lungs, hands, legs and stomach for instance; when full should feel like a warm hug but no, my whole body feels like it's just one mass of constant tightness and stress and anger. And my mind? Constantly racing like the drivers in the fast lane on M1. Eager to get to places or maybe escaping something. Just like me only I am standing still when that's happening.
It's crossed my mind that I am grieving. It's anyone's guess how many articles I've read on the subject following my dad's tragic death.
"Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you."
But perhaps it's not only my dad I am grieving. Haven't I also lost part of my mum when that happened? Haven't I lost part of my brother too when he had a head accident himself shortly after our dad past away? Haven't I lost my own identity, freedom and my marriage when I had back to back children and battled with PND both times? Have I mentioned all this happened in three short years?
This life I now live, I don't recognise myself in it. I started off sad but all too soon sadness turned into anger and resentment. Despite that, I have made a lot of progress but for every step forward, there are many steps back. And I am done hurting inside and hurting other with my unhappiness. So how do I lift the heaviness of it all off of me? Can anyone relate?
It's all still so hard and relentless with no end in sight. My body feels ill to me with no warmth to it, like there is chill in it and I can't shake it off. Like I am not aware of having a heart, lungs, hands, legs and stomach for instance; when full should feel like a warm hug but no, my whole body feels like it's just one mass of constant tightness and stress and anger. And my mind? Constantly racing like the drivers in the fast lane on M1. Eager to get to places or maybe escaping something. Just like me only I am standing still when that's happening.
It's crossed my mind that I am grieving. It's anyone's guess how many articles I've read on the subject following my dad's tragic death.
"Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you."
But perhaps it's not only my dad I am grieving. Haven't I also lost part of my mum when that happened? Haven't I lost part of my brother too when he had a head accident himself shortly after our dad past away? Haven't I lost my own identity, freedom and my marriage when I had back to back children and battled with PND both times? Have I mentioned all this happened in three short years?
This life I now live, I don't recognise myself in it. I started off sad but all too soon sadness turned into anger and resentment. Despite that, I have made a lot of progress but for every step forward, there are many steps back. And I am done hurting inside and hurting other with my unhappiness. So how do I lift the heaviness of it all off of me? Can anyone relate?
Day 9 of single parenting and I planned on going to bed early. I am totally exhausted but I am so eager to learn more. Every moment of my day when I am alone I want to read, watch, experiment! I started with a meditation but I couldn’t relax because I was worried I wouldn’t hear the kids through my headphones. Once downstairs and as I craved peace and quiet, watching youtube videos was too stimulating for me so I googled. I love googling, anything and everything. When I find a subject that interests me I just want to learn everything about it. I can’t remember exactly what I googled but it must have been something along the lines of - how do you know you have psychic abilities? An page came up explaining the different types of Clairs and once I read the description of a Clairsentient that was it! Head slap moment! Two head slap moments! This must be my gift, not ‘seeing’ or ‘hearing’ but ‘feeling’. My overly emotional personality was suddenly starting to make sense. It felt strangely familiar, like I always knew but just couldn’t put my finger on it. Could this be why I get easily overstimulated? Could this be the reason why I feel so many emotions all the time and there is no consistency to them? Could this explain the sudden angriness and negativity I feel at times?
My medium told me this week that there is a dog around me, small dog, most likely our old dog Ciko. As I am sitting on the sofa reading about mediumship I can see lots of movement around the floor so I am naturally wondering if that is him. At some point as I focus on one spot where I saw the movement - I start seeing ENERGY. I look around the living, it’s everywhere! It’s air but not clear, there is movement in it and lots of it. As if there are millions of tiny shiny raindrops, each one moving within its own little orbit of 2mm. My senses are heightened as I watch the energy flickering around me and then my forearms start vibrating again just like the day before. But this time it’s more like a dull ache with a vibration, a sort of numbness at the same time. And I feel this heaviness envelop me and I am aware at the same time of a movement in my hair, like someone is pulling on three hairs exactly. The hair is something I feel all the time but mostly in the garden and always thought I just had a spider in my hair :) At the same time the article on my screen is about how to recognise a deceased loved one vs your angels or spirit guides. As I read, lots of what I am experiencing is described in the article but I am unable to recognise who it is that is visiting me. They say with practice I will be able to tell.
My medium told me this week that there is a dog around me, small dog, most likely our old dog Ciko. As I am sitting on the sofa reading about mediumship I can see lots of movement around the floor so I am naturally wondering if that is him. At some point as I focus on one spot where I saw the movement - I start seeing ENERGY. I look around the living, it’s everywhere! It’s air but not clear, there is movement in it and lots of it. As if there are millions of tiny shiny raindrops, each one moving within its own little orbit of 2mm. My senses are heightened as I watch the energy flickering around me and then my forearms start vibrating again just like the day before. But this time it’s more like a dull ache with a vibration, a sort of numbness at the same time. And I feel this heaviness envelop me and I am aware at the same time of a movement in my hair, like someone is pulling on three hairs exactly. The hair is something I feel all the time but mostly in the garden and always thought I just had a spider in my hair :) At the same time the article on my screen is about how to recognise a deceased loved one vs your angels or spirit guides. As I read, lots of what I am experiencing is described in the article but I am unable to recognise who it is that is visiting me. They say with practice I will be able to tell.
Although it was only yesterday, I am not sure I’ll be able to recall exactly how it all came about because I feel so exhausted but I think recording something is better than nothing. I was told about a new to me website full of meditations from my medium and downloaded their app. I went with my gut and chose Deep Silence hoping to quieten my mind and get rid of my tension headache. It was so beautiful full of beats and it really resonated with me. Once over I decided to have a nap. A few minutes into my nap I received a text which woke me. What ensued afterwards completely shocked me. I had a suspicion that I might have some psychic abilities but of course my head was telling me I was imagining everything that has been happening so far (the constant shadows, lights in the corner of my eyes, feeling my dad around, tapping on the top of my head, being extra sensitive, etc.). You spend 9 months carrying a baby waiting for labour to start and once the real labour starts - you - just - know - that - is - it. So when this happened to me, I just KNEW I didn’t imagine it and it was as real as anything.
So here I am lying on my bed in my clean white bedroom with this beautiful bright daylight streaming through the large window feeling very relaxed and suddenly both my forearms are vibrating. Not just a little bit but full on vibrations. I had one arm under my head as I was lying on my side and another arm resting on my hip yet they were both vibrating equally. It felt very strong like my muscles were moving side to side in super quick bursts, I honestly can’t even find the right words to describe how vivid that was. This lasted for a few minutes as I laid there slightly panicked but also absolutely fascinated to be experiencing something.
Once the vibration subsided, the massage started. Beautiful soft massage as if someone was trying to sooth my forearms after that intense vibrating session. Again this lasted for a few minutes and even continued as I moved my arms trying to shake it off. It didn’t go until it lasted its course.
It was all so REAL and I wasn’t really sure of what to make of it but I was happy. And during all this my head felt very light but as soon as it was over, my headache returned.
So here I am lying on my bed in my clean white bedroom with this beautiful bright daylight streaming through the large window feeling very relaxed and suddenly both my forearms are vibrating. Not just a little bit but full on vibrations. I had one arm under my head as I was lying on my side and another arm resting on my hip yet they were both vibrating equally. It felt very strong like my muscles were moving side to side in super quick bursts, I honestly can’t even find the right words to describe how vivid that was. This lasted for a few minutes as I laid there slightly panicked but also absolutely fascinated to be experiencing something.
Once the vibration subsided, the massage started. Beautiful soft massage as if someone was trying to sooth my forearms after that intense vibrating session. Again this lasted for a few minutes and even continued as I moved my arms trying to shake it off. It didn’t go until it lasted its course.
It was all so REAL and I wasn’t really sure of what to make of it but I was happy. And during all this my head felt very light but as soon as it was over, my headache returned.
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