Life, that is. I've gone through so many scenarios these past three years. Reinventing myself on regular basis. Yes, it does keep me entertained and busy but at the end of the day and deep down, it makes little difference.
It's all still so hard and relentless with no end in sight. My body feels ill to me with no warmth to it, like there is chill in it and I can't shake it off. Like I am not aware of having a heart, lungs, hands, legs and stomach for instance; when full should feel like a warm hug but no, my whole body feels like it's just one mass of constant tightness and stress and anger. And my mind? Constantly racing like the drivers in the fast lane on M1. Eager to get to places or maybe escaping something. Just like me only I am standing still when that's happening.
It's crossed my mind that I am grieving. It's anyone's guess how many articles I've read on the subject following my dad's tragic death.
"Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you."
But perhaps it's not only my dad I am grieving. Haven't I also lost part of my mum when that happened? Haven't I lost part of my brother too when he had a head accident himself shortly after our dad past away? Haven't I lost my own identity, freedom and my marriage when I had back to back children and battled with PND both times? Have I mentioned all this happened in three short years?
This life I now live, I don't recognise myself in it. I started off sad but all too soon sadness turned into anger and resentment. Despite that, I have made a lot of progress but for every step forward, there are many steps back. And I am done hurting inside and hurting other with my unhappiness. So how do I lift the heaviness of it all off of me? Can anyone relate?
It's all still so hard and relentless with no end in sight. My body feels ill to me with no warmth to it, like there is chill in it and I can't shake it off. Like I am not aware of having a heart, lungs, hands, legs and stomach for instance; when full should feel like a warm hug but no, my whole body feels like it's just one mass of constant tightness and stress and anger. And my mind? Constantly racing like the drivers in the fast lane on M1. Eager to get to places or maybe escaping something. Just like me only I am standing still when that's happening.
It's crossed my mind that I am grieving. It's anyone's guess how many articles I've read on the subject following my dad's tragic death.
"Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you."
But perhaps it's not only my dad I am grieving. Haven't I also lost part of my mum when that happened? Haven't I lost part of my brother too when he had a head accident himself shortly after our dad past away? Haven't I lost my own identity, freedom and my marriage when I had back to back children and battled with PND both times? Have I mentioned all this happened in three short years?
This life I now live, I don't recognise myself in it. I started off sad but all too soon sadness turned into anger and resentment. Despite that, I have made a lot of progress but for every step forward, there are many steps back. And I am done hurting inside and hurting other with my unhappiness. So how do I lift the heaviness of it all off of me? Can anyone relate?
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