A week ago, when the fires in LA started, I got so consumed by it, it was the tipping point for me to finally do something about my Instagram/ phone addiction.
On Friday night I got to such a state, I was lying in bed unable to shut down the Instagram app and go to sleep. I was manically scrolling through post after post, I shut the app down several times only to reopen it again unconsciously and before I knew it more time passed. I couldn't let go, it was like a drug and I hadn't experienced a pull that strong before. I would imagine the energy surrounding the fires was so low vibrational, I got sucked into it and the dark forces got me. It was almost 1am when I finally put it down and went to sleep. But not before I deleted the app and removed a lot of people I was following.
Prior to this, I had started to read a new book called Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I was hoping it would help me with my Instagram addiction, I felt like I was broken because I couldn't seem to break the habit. We are talking at least 7/8 years of me trying on and off. I kept thinking: "Why can't I control myself when others can?" I really felt there was something wrong with me. But the first epiphany I had was when he says in the book that our issues with focus and attention had started way before social media. This alone was huge, because it suggests there is so much more to this than the invention of phones and apps and I wasn't alone in feeling like this.
I also realised other things. I often say how overwhelmed I feel in every way. No matter how much I simplify my life, I am still struggling. Simple invitations out often tip me over the edge, I cannot manage. I didn't understand though, when I looked at how much other people can supposedly handle versus me, I again felt like there was something wrong with me. But I had an aha moment and realised, through the tipping point of the LA fires, that I fill my head with so much information and despite having simplified my life everywhere else, I simply have zero mental capacity for anything else. I cannot go out with friends, because in my head I am dealing with major disasters, catastrophising and I am being constantly reminded I am inadequate and not doing enough.
When I was going through my awakening, I really needed to follow people whilst I was learning about what was happening to me and to not feel alone. But now, no matter how good the people are that I follow, how inspirational, they are all distracting me from hearing my own intuition and wisdom.
So I am limiting who I follow and how often I check it. I deleted the app, as I said and now only check Instagram in the browser. Because it's so clunky, I don't spend hours on it and exit quickly. I have been here before, implemented this change but this time, I know I was consuming content in order to distract myself from having to deal with my reality. But this time, I am ready to face myself and make meaningful changes to my life because I am sick of repeating the same stories and pattern and feeling miserable. It's time to face me
I wanted advice on how to frame my punch needle work which I brought with me. Aside from selling punch needles and kits I have wanted to create and sell my own work but the framing bit always put me off. I had read somewhere it would cost between £300-£400 per piece. My work is intricate and takes hours so it always seemed unfeasible. Yesterday I was told it would cost less than £100!!!! What? I was so elated when I left. On the way home I told my friend about the spiders and she stopped in her tracks all freaked out. She hates spiders and is very scared of them. Anyway we continued on and got on with the rest of the afternoon.
At the end of the day, I was lying in my bed reading Rise sister Rise which is a book about the return of the mother and the rising of the feminine. I was laying down on my left side with my left eye touching the pillow near the edge. Suddenly this small spider walks up the side of the pillow practically into my eyeball.
“The spider symbolizes creation and beauty. In several traditions, the spiders symbolizes the Mother and the Divine Feminine. ... Obviously, spiders use extreme patience in order to weave their webs, so the spider can teach you to increase your awareness and focus in life.”
From The power of positivity website
I am soooo guided and soooo on the right track, aren’t I? Creation and beauty (my punch needle pieces) and then the mother and divine feminine (reading the book at the time of the spider walking into my eyeball basically saying, are you seeing this?! Are you paying attention?). We are all exactly where we are meant to be ✨🙏🏻🕷
Ps: Come to think of it I have always been fascinated by the webs, so could a spider be my spirit animal?
I was walking on the street coming back from my counselling today and I thought about my guardian angel being around me. And the name Melissa popped into my head instantly and suddenly in a split second I zoomed in on a single flower lying on the pavement in a puddle. I reached down to pick it up. After a few steps I turned around to see which tree it fell from all the while knowing it wasn't going to be there. And sure enough, all the other trees had different flowers on them
Thank you for the beautiful sign
It's all still so hard and relentless with no end in sight. My body feels ill to me with no warmth to it, like there is chill in it and I can't shake it off. Like I am not aware of having a heart, lungs, hands, legs and stomach for instance; when full should feel like a warm hug but no, my whole body feels like it's just one mass of constant tightness and stress and anger. And my mind? Constantly racing like the drivers in the fast lane on M1. Eager to get to places or maybe escaping something. Just like me only I am standing still when that's happening.
It's crossed my mind that I am grieving. It's anyone's guess how many articles I've read on the subject following my dad's tragic death.
"Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you."
But perhaps it's not only my dad I am grieving. Haven't I also lost part of my mum when that happened? Haven't I lost part of my brother too when he had a head accident himself shortly after our dad past away? Haven't I lost my own identity, freedom and my marriage when I had back to back children and battled with PND both times? Have I mentioned all this happened in three short years?
This life I now live, I don't recognise myself in it. I started off sad but all too soon sadness turned into anger and resentment. Despite that, I have made a lot of progress but for every step forward, there are many steps back. And I am done hurting inside and hurting other with my unhappiness. So how do I lift the heaviness of it all off of me? Can anyone relate?
My medium told me this week that there is a dog around me, small dog, most likely our old dog Ciko. As I am sitting on the sofa reading about mediumship I can see lots of movement around the floor so I am naturally wondering if that is him. At some point as I focus on one spot where I saw the movement - I start seeing ENERGY. I look around the living, it’s everywhere! It’s air but not clear, there is movement in it and lots of it. As if there are millions of tiny shiny raindrops, each one moving within its own little orbit of 2mm. My senses are heightened as I watch the energy flickering around me and then my forearms start vibrating again just like the day before. But this time it’s more like a dull ache with a vibration, a sort of numbness at the same time. And I feel this heaviness envelop me and I am aware at the same time of a movement in my hair, like someone is pulling on three hairs exactly. The hair is something I feel all the time but mostly in the garden and always thought I just had a spider in my hair :) At the same time the article on my screen is about how to recognise a deceased loved one vs your angels or spirit guides. As I read, lots of what I am experiencing is described in the article but I am unable to recognise who it is that is visiting me. They say with practice I will be able to tell.
So here I am lying on my bed in my clean white bedroom with this beautiful bright daylight streaming through the large window feeling very relaxed and suddenly both my forearms are vibrating. Not just a little bit but full on vibrations. I had one arm under my head as I was lying on my side and another arm resting on my hip yet they were both vibrating equally. It felt very strong like my muscles were moving side to side in super quick bursts, I honestly can’t even find the right words to describe how vivid that was. This lasted for a few minutes as I laid there slightly panicked but also absolutely fascinated to be experiencing something.
Once the vibration subsided, the massage started. Beautiful soft massage as if someone was trying to sooth my forearms after that intense vibrating session. Again this lasted for a few minutes and even continued as I moved my arms trying to shake it off. It didn’t go until it lasted its course.
It was all so REAL and I wasn’t really sure of what to make of it but I was happy. And during all this my head felt very light but as soon as it was over, my headache returned.
