I’m quite open about my SAD that creeps up on me each year (last winter was the most challenging and I experienced it several times). It can be so debilitating especially since I experienced real depression for years and so to have these yearly reminders is hard to bear. This autumn though, I am determined to thrive and not suffer.
I am NOT a morning person and my absolute favourite thing to do in the morning was to wake up late and wait for someone to bring me a coffee. I would savour it before I finally got up when I absolutely had to. But during my research into SAD and how to prevent it I read about how important it is to get outside for the morning light within 30-60 mins of getting up.
And here I am, day five and wow does it make a huge difference! Those first breaths of fresh air when I unlock the back door are my favourite. I greet the garden and the birds, I peel back the wet cushion and sit down on the rattan chair surrounded by autumn leaves. The weather is cold but not unbearable yet but fear not, I have a dry robe on the way. I figured it would be perfect for my morning ritual since it’s waterproof on the outside and lined and cosy inside and easy to grab. I need simple rituals in order to keep them.
I am really making lots of positive changes in my life right now across the board. I deactivated my Instagram and Facebook altogether, that was a big one for me about 3 weeks ago. The first week was horrid, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, it all seemed so boring in comparison. But slowly my attention improved and I’ve read lots of books on my kindle since. I downloaded Youtube to still follow someone I missed but within 2 weeks I discovered Youtube shorts and I was sucked into scrolling again!!! How easily do these short videos suck you in is quite mind blowing. So I had to get rid of that too.
On one hand I think I am never reactivating those accounts again because I feel so much better off without it but on the other hand I am still picking up my phone a 93 times a day but this time there is nothing to scroll. So I go on BBC News a lot and have even started to go on Reddit a bit which I never did before! It goes to show I have a long way to go with my phone addiction and social media was just a small part of it.
Another thing I have improved on recently is not eating bread and I make sure I am going to bed partially hungry and I am naturally losing weight as a result. On Tuesday I ended up having a little bit of a baguette and it felt like someone jammed rising dough in my stomach. I used to eat baguettes several times a week but I guess when you eat these things all the time your discomfort becomes your normal and you don’t realise you shouldn’t be eating them. The same goes for going to bed on a full stomach, I didn’t realise how much better I would sleep without being full. And you are probably thinking I should know these things and I do but there is one thing knowing something and another implementing it and reaping the benefits.
There have been loads more changes but I will save those for another day. Tomorrow may be colder yet, but the birds will sing, and I’ll be there - coffee in hand, showing up for myself.
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Firstly, I never want to move out. Sometimes I quietly hope people cancel because it’s such a huge job moving out of our 6 bedroom house just for the weekend. In fact it’s a massive job for any length of time - but particularly just for the weekend.
You might wonder where does all our stuff go? At the beginning of this year most of it was given away or sold. We would never have been able to do it had we not done that because there just isn’t a space to put it unless we hired a storage unit. That would have made it really difficult though so we opted for offloading stuff because really, how much do we actually need to live comfortably?
And what’s left is quite well organised. We have my husband’s office and a few cupboards inside the house that get locked and then there is the garage with plastic storage tubs. Imagine how you have your stuff organised in your own home, it’s like that except our stuff is organised in those cupboards and the garage. When we are back, we live out of our suitcases and just get our own duvets and pillows out. All the Airbnb bedding (duvets, pillows, throws, etc) gets put into one room or stays in the room that’s not used. Kitchen is actually the only real pain. It takes constant back and forth from the garage or opening and closing of plastic tubs in the cupboard in the hallway. Before we left I started to reorganise it and I think it will work much better when we are back. I decided to treat the inside cupboard as a pantry so it means less trips to the garage and less stuff that needs to be put out and packed away. I need to do more work in the garage because the cold months are approaching and I don’t want anything to go mouldy so I will most likely need to relocate those tubs inside.
It’s an ever evolving project. When we first moved out, there was still so much stuff and each time we got back we got rid of more. To be honest there is still stuff that could go but I worry I might miss that so I am waiting to see what happens. I think I would like to be able to get those items out again when we are living somewhere more permanently like all my punching stuff, my crystals, clothes and some books. It’s really not much.
I do love the feeling when everything is out of the house, the cleaners have just left and I do a final walk through the house to make sure everything is perfect. It’s such a good feeling seeing how great the house looks and by then I am excited for the people staying. I have sixteen 5* reviews now and have just got a Superhost badge. I’ve been hosting for less than 5 months so I do feel very proud.
And once we are out of the house having fun somewhere else I then don’t want to go home 😂 typical.
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Earlier this year we embraced putting our house on Airbnb and living a more nomadic lifestyles from May till now, moving in and out of the house and spending 5 full weeks in Europe. I’ve been keeping stats and so far this year we visited 8 countries, stayed in 12 different Airbnbs and spent about 83 days away.
It’s been very hard at times but we’ve learned so much. And this is what I keep coming back to, the learnings. Each time I don’t want to move out and want to stay in the comfort of my own home, there is something that happens and I learn a lot of from it. Or if I was in a bit of a funk before going, it resets the energy and it’s like a fresh start. It also allows us to just have a good time, there is no housework, no things to organise and we just enjoy ourselves.
The bookings we get aren’t always rosy and we have now decided to stop accepting adult only bookings because no matter how much they plan a “quiet weekend away”, alcohol gets involved and problems happen. So from now on we are only allowing intergenerational families, the grandparents, with two siblings and their families. Those are the perfect bookings. Those people are homeowners themselves and respect our home too. I was starting to doubt I wanted to carry on with this until I realised it was the types of bookings we were getting. The multi family bookings feel so good, adult only piss up weekends - not so much.
Last night the kids and I started to look over old photos from when we were about a year into living in this house. It looked so cosy and lived in and it made us feel a bit sad we are living in this bare house inbetween bookings but it is so easy to look over your life and romanticise about how great it was. I bet one day we will be looking over this time saying how boring life is and wasn’t it great when we had all those adventures. Funny how we always what the opposite of what we have. Anyway, I am winning the Omaze house draw tonight so I can have both worlds :)
Ever since I started this project I looked forward to writing about it at the end but now it's finished and I am tired and emotional, I am finding it so hard. I first sat down to write last week and I was suddenly overcome with so much shame. Shame over letting myself get to that stage and for letting it go on for so long.
I first became aware of how my surroundings impact my mental wellbeing when I was in Australia for two months at the beginning of 2018. I was severely depressed and somehow made it there with a toddler and a 7 month old. We stayed in a small modern apartment in Melbourne where we only had what we needed, nothing more and I was so shocked at how suddenly I was able to focus on my family and getting myself better without the distractions of other things to manage.
We came home and I went on a major declutter. At that time, our house was full, every cupboard filled with sentimental items, spares and everything else you can think of. All the baby stuff - there was so much stuff I accumulated while depressed. I believed it would keep the kiddies occupied so I could get a break that I so desperately needed. It was all in the loft, stuff everywhere.
For the next 7 years I repeated a pattern of major declutters only to then unconsciously accumulate it again. It was my way of coping with depression. It allowed me to escape my feelings or lack of and everything else. I felt like I was achieving something when I was clearing up. It made me feel good temporarily and there was a hidden promise that I would get better once my house was clear.
In February, I went to Slovakia to visit my family. Usually I stay with my mum but my sister was there so I rented a small house. Again I was reminded of how amazing I feel when I live minimally. I didn't get it though, I felt like I didn't have much stuff at home anymore so why did I feel so rubbish at home and so overwhelmed?
So I came home and decided to get rid of most things. Like I was truly done done with this pattern and this part of my life and I needed to be radical.
I put everything I didn't need into one room which was super overwhelming but since other parts of the house were suddenly so lovely and clear, it was ok. Then I started going through it all.
I got rid of at least 75% of my personal possessions. I had a huge essential oils collection, too many crystals, all my sewing supplies, punch needle supplies, all my huge artworks I had punched, bookcases, books, majority of my plants including a huge heart shaped philodendron, clothes, jewellery, my 100kg Himalayan salt lamp, my wedding dress! I am even closing down my business.
I went though everything and I was careful not to throw any good items away but found a good home for each and every one of them. It was a monumental effort. But it was important to me that I had transformed the energy behind each of these things I accumulated.
You see each item held a certain depressive energy in it because I acquired it whilst unwell. Or I punched those artworks when I wasn't well. This is why I felt so ill whilst at home, even though I was after a different life for myself, these items were radiating this negative energy at me. No amount of sage was able to break through that haha. But the more I got rid of, the lighter my world felt and I was suddenly waking up excited for life again.
Now you might think I am overthinking this, most people I tell think that. But this was a generational pattern I was breaking and it felt so huge. My family have hoarded items, not because they wanted to be hoarders but because they were labourers and everything they kept would have eventually come in handy. They didn't have much and they worked with their hands so 'this little piece of scrap metal would have come in useful at some point'. And so getting rid of anything felt terrible, like I didn't appreciate what I had and what if I need it someday. But honestly in the last 7 years of declutterring on and off, there was not one item I regretted getting rid of. But also, taking care of items took us away from the most important things like spending good quality time with our families because we were always so busy tidying up.
Now all the things are gone and I have people messaging me thanking me for what I gave them and how happy they are to have those things, I feel ashamed for not using those items and hoarding them for so long. For instance, when I was still sewing 15 years ago, my mum gave me about 100 different spools of thread (my family worked in factories and sometimes got end of line stuff). I kept these because I felt so bad to let them go and maybe I would sew again one day and I shouldn't give them away, they were 'good quality' and from Slovak factories, etc etc. I gave them to my neighbour in the end, her sister is very sick and she said her machine embroidery is her sanctuary and her escape whilst she is supporting her. Do you see it? It was the right thing to let go of that, I didn't need it and it made all the difference to her.
When I was going through this, I was feeling so anxious over what happens when I finish. Because who am I even if I am not forever moving items around the house and decluttering? But I know this chapter of my life is truly over and I am ready to embrace the new.
Every item in our house requires your attention. Whether you need to tidy it up, get rid of it, fix it, move it, I am not wearing it, water the plants, whatever it is, it takes away from your focus and other things you might want to do instead, like learn something new or spend more time with those you love. We live in an overwhelming world and are constantly bombarded with items. If you own something that is constantly making you annoyed or angry or sad or anything other than happy or you find it useful, get rid of it. And you don't need to go to the same extreme I did, just let go off the things that are no longer serving you. I promise you you will feel so much better.
Whenever something happens to us that we don't desire we think we are unlucky or it's unfair, why me, that type of thing. But everything that happens is here to teach us and show us where we have work to do.
I will give you an example of this that I have observed in my own life in the last year. Each Autumn, I'd be hit by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), I'd start using my SAD lamp, SAD alarm clock and take Vit D and once I adjusted after about 2-3 weeks I could stop all that and I'd be fine for the rest of the Autumn/ Winter season.
But in the last year alone, I have had three separate SAD flare ups. First one was last January after I came back home from a month in Australia, second one was last Autumn and last one I have just 'come back from'. The first one I should have expected after a big dose of Australian sun, second one I expected but it was still very hard but this one just now was a shock. I know why I got it though, I stopped taking my Vit D just before Christmas as I thought I was fine now.
Now all three of them can be explain however in previous years I would only get one a year despite stopping Vit D tablets after adjusting and also spending two other Christmas' in Australia (2017 and 2018). So why was this last year so different? What was the other reason for getting SAD three times?
Each time I get SAD, it feels like a depression to me. I had suffered from a depression for many years so I know exactly how debilitating it is.
I have done a lot of healing these past few years to dig myself out of my rock bottom. And each time I got SAD, I'd be in complete despair thinking my depression was back and that I was inherently broken. Because how could I possibly be still so unwell so regularly despite ALL the healing I had done?
But there was a reason. Each time I realised I had SAD and not a depression I would be so relieved. I would take my Vit D right away and that alone would make all the symptoms go away almost instantly and life would feel so bright again.
And here lies the lesson the universe was sending me.
It was showing me that I need to stop thinking and believing I am inherently broken. Because I am not, I just need to take my Vit D throughout the whole Autumn/ Winter because we live under perpetual grey cloud here in the UK.
We need to pay attention to not only our physical bodies but our emotions too and the lessons that we are presented with each time a sickness happens FOR US. Do you see that me getting SAD three times in the last year was a blessing overall?
A week ago, when the fires in LA started, I got so consumed by it, it was the tipping point for me to finally do something about my Instagram/ phone addiction.
On Friday night I got to such a state, I was lying in bed unable to shut down the Instagram app and go to sleep. I was manically scrolling through post after post, I shut the app down several times only to reopen it again unconsciously and before I knew it more time passed. I couldn't let go, it was like a drug and I hadn't experienced a pull that strong before. I would imagine the energy surrounding the fires was so low vibrational, I got sucked into it and the dark forces got me. It was almost 1am when I finally put it down and went to sleep. But not before I deleted the app and removed a lot of people I was following.
Prior to this, I had started to read a new book called Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I was hoping it would help me with my Instagram addiction, I felt like I was broken because I couldn't seem to break the habit. We are talking at least 7/8 years of me trying on and off. I kept thinking: "Why can't I control myself when others can?" I really felt there was something wrong with me. But the first epiphany I had was when he says in the book that our issues with focus and attention had started way before social media. This alone was huge, because it suggests there is so much more to this than the invention of phones and apps and I wasn't alone in feeling like this.
I also realised other things. I often say how overwhelmed I feel in every way. No matter how much I simplify my life, I am still struggling. Simple invitations out often tip me over the edge, I cannot manage. I didn't understand though, when I looked at how much other people can supposedly handle versus me, I again felt like there was something wrong with me. But I had an aha moment and realised, through the tipping point of the LA fires, that I fill my head with so much information and despite having simplified my life everywhere else, I simply have zero mental capacity for anything else. I cannot go out with friends, because in my head I am dealing with major disasters, catastrophising and I am being constantly reminded I am inadequate and not doing enough.
When I was going through my awakening, I really needed to follow people whilst I was learning about what was happening to me and to not feel alone. But now, no matter how good the people are that I follow, how inspirational, they are all distracting me from hearing my own intuition and wisdom.
So I am limiting who I follow and how often I check it. I deleted the app, as I said and now only check Instagram in the browser. Because it's so clunky, I don't spend hours on it and exit quickly. I have been here before, implemented this change but this time, I know I was consuming content in order to distract myself from having to deal with my reality. But this time, I am ready to face myself and make meaningful changes to my life because I am sick of repeating the same stories and pattern and feeling miserable. It's time to face me
